Bayeux Brawlers

Ever wondered if the figures on the Bayeux Tapestry could fight in front of you? Probably not but I digress. Your man will die. You will not be able to help him. Bayeux Brawlers is an auto-battler stitched into the linen of 1066. You equip a Lord before the fight and then you watch as he pummels his way to victory. USE WHATEVER IS TO HAND Bolt a weapon together from a head and a handle: a spear, a club, a femur, an eel. Add armour, a helm, a shield. Every piece adds mass, and mass is the whole trade - the heavier he is, the slower he swings and the smaller your score multiplier. Go out light, swift and greedy, or plate him and grind. GATHER A RETINUE A moleman who digs behind the endemy. A herald. Brother Tuck, who keeps behind the line and mends whoever is worst hurt. A plague peasant whose miasma rots anything standing near him - including, if you are careless, your own men. FIND SOMETHING TO RIDE A warhorse. A war ox. A pack mule. A bear. A chariot. Stilts. Two enormous hounds in harness dragging a sledge, entirely uninterested in your instructions, biting whoever they pass. THE FIELD FIGHTS BACK Pitchfork peasants, fyrd levy, slingers, giant snails, and axemen behind a shield wall. Take a castle by storming the walls or smashing down the gate. Beyond the map's edge wait the giants of Albion with their pack of dog headed men, and other strange creatures the monks wrote of long ago. DIE, AND DIE BETTER Every run ends. Deaths unlock gear permanently, so the next man starts richer than the last. Milestones sit waiting: win a battle wearing no armour, beat a boss with your fists, fall twenty-five times. DRAWN AND PLAYED BY THE MACHINE Every figure is drawn as stitched thread on cream linen, in the manner of the tapestry itself. The music is procedural - it builds as you play, by a mixture of harp, lute, recorder, panpipes, psaltery, sackbut and drums. You shape the style as you go an the tune builds as does your glory. Share the tale of any run as a single stitched panel. NO NONSENSE No account. No login. No servers. Plays entirely offline, and your progress never leaves your phone. Free, supported by advertisements. "He who falls in the mud may yet rise smelling of glory. Eventually." - A Passing Monk